I Don't Believe In Reincarnation

Calvin Harris, Kirkcaldy's answer to White Town, who was in turn Derby's answer to Gary Numan, Essex's answer to a question only a New Romantic would ask, recently delighted some and annoyed most with his oh-so-hip rehash of the music we know and love. The music of the 1980's. Not like the actual music of the 1980's, of course, as that was actually mostly awful. Anyone who harbours a nostalgic love of The Reynolds Sisters wants seeing to by a competent doctor. No, Calvin is cleverer than that. His little tune 'It Was Acceptable In The 80's' sounded nothing like anything I remember of the musics of the 1980's. I was only ten when the decade ended, but I am pretty sure it was a lot less super-disco and a lot more Rick Astley.

Similarly the video. It had lots of neon synthetics, big hair and ker-ay-zee decor in flourescent yellow and chrome. All he lacked was a silk dressing gown with a dragon embroidered on the back. Not like the actual look of the time, which was dominated, at least in my house, by beige and the Great Smell of Brut. In this respect the 80's were exactly like the 70's before it, although to be fair the 70's were more brown than beige. Whatever, it was not hot pink.

And now it is. The 80's are cool, and who'd have thought that would ever happen in the depths of the 90's, where the Union Jack was the ultimate emblem of style and London was briefly swinging again? Back then, the 80's was all ridiculous hairspray and suits with narrow lapels made of that strangely sheeny sort ofgrey fabric. Laughable. Although, we can see that short term cultural nostalgia is being used up at an alarming rate, and if it continues we may be forced to have some new ideas. No-one wants that.

As an acolyte of the 90's, I am sat in slightly baggy jeans, mildly retro t-shirt and a pair of Adidas Superstars. Apart from the PC, I like to think I could look like anyone from the late 60's/ early 70's. I also know that I don't, and never will because my teeth are too healthy and I am not anywhere near skinny enough. Because that was the reality of the time. Bad teeth on the NHS and no food because everyone was skint. Oh for the good old days.

So we come to my actual point, which is that the likes of me and Calvin Harris are the first generation who can have this rosy nostalgia for a lost age, knowing that we don't have to be really selective with what we remember. Hankering for the true 1960's experience? Then really you need diptheria, capital punishment and Rhodesia, too. A bit less attractive now, isn't it? Maybe the 70's, with its huge rock bands, flares and John Thaw driving a Granada in The Sweeny? Not forgetting, of course, the three day week, Northern Ireland and a mysterious virus that appeared in New York's gay community which no-one could understand and killed you dead in weeks. On the other hand, the worst the 90's could throw at us was John Major and Oasis' 3rd album.

So I have been wallowing in 90'stalgia (a neat neologism, that). Or, in another sense, I have been watching my old Eddie Izzard videos. A funny man, he was. I also watched The South Park Movie which again, was very good. It's a proper musical, with many, many songs ripped off from Les Miserables and West Side Story. And what has the 21st century to offer us? This exciting new millenium, with its promise of jet boots and flying to Mars by teleporter and sex with hot green alien women?

24.

I mean, really. It's no wonder society is falling apart at the seams. We don't talk anymore. No-one returns phone calls or emails now. We just sit, wall-eyed and defeated as the phone rings and Microsoft Outlook beeps again and again, looking out of the window and wondering if it should be raining more or less this time of year and if it has anything to do with global warming. We are all somatised, and yes, Americans, I spell it with a damn S. One of the minor characters on Doctor Who this week said 'schedule' with a hard C, and it really grated. It's pronounced 'shedyool'. Morons.

That said, I have discovered the cure for my crisis of faith in the excting new and not at all unutterably depressing world of internet dating. I was walking home today when I noticed a sticker on a traffic light saying, and I sort of quote;

SENSITIVE BUT ASSERTIVE MAN
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU
HAS NINE INCH PENIS

And a googlemail address. Now, there's a man with the right idea. Never mind Match.com, that's gotta be much more effective!

Good Night, and Good Luck
Doug